New Season, New Attitude

Life recently, has been incredible surprising. Just when I think I'm starting to adjust to the way my life is falling into place, God reminds me I have no idea whats coming to me. Its amazing how beautiful life is becoming, growing up is bittersweet, but at the place i am at now its pretty sweet. I never thought I would be where I am now, this year has been the happiest year of my life, and its only getting better. Although I have had a lot of trials I never expected, it all happened for a reason. Over the past couple weeks, I faced my fears of dancing in public when showcasing in my school beauty pageant. I was surprised to make the top 15 in talent. It was one of the best experience I have ever done. I am getting ready for a beach trip, which is going to be the first, or at least the first I remember. I am finishing up my Sophomore year, and its going by so fast. I am beyond blessed, I have a healthy family, friends who love me more then I could ever ask for, and a promising God. When I hear things like the disaster in Japan, I realize how much I take things for granted.For the next couple of weeks, my focus is going to be on having a better attitude toward life its self. Spring and Summer are my seasons, and I can not wait to see what else God has in store. Have a blessed week!

You're still an innocent...to me

I have tried to write this blog many times. I have stared at the empty page, longing to pour out the words that express how I feel. This is not easy, because I don't know how I feel about this. I suppose the only way to let this out is to start from the beginning.

I had a youth leader in middle school, whom I absolutely adored. I looked to her as my cool big sister, and I wanted to be just like her. I was close with her husband and children, I loved them all. However, Everyone around me knew it was a bad idea, and they all saw something I didn't, something broken.

As a young girl, I was so innocent, all I saw was good. After all, she was there when I was baptized, she was there for so much of my middle school years, its hard not to picture times without her.I was very conflicted, because for the first time in my life I was having to chose between someone I loved and the people who loved me. I eventually began to see that she had a few missing puzzle pieces. The things my small group was doing was not good for young people, the interactivity with boys, being put in the middle of adult situations, it got so bad my parents pulled me out of the youth group after I got bullied by her. I was furious, for so many reasons. My mom had tried to talk to my youth pastor about it, but even he didn't want to except the ugly truth. I was mad that for some reason I was not close to her. It was a situation where I loved her so much, no matter how much she hurt me. When I did start to go back to church, one day our youth pastor came in and told us she is gone. We were told we couldn't ask any questions, we were to let it go. We were devastated, I never thought I could be angry, especially at my church. I wanted her to get help, but I never wanted her to be taken away.

We were left in silence, for about a year. After moving on, a more grown up girl turned on the news, and saw the mug shot of the girl I had let into my heart so many years ago. I can't even explain how quickly I feel to the floor bawling. The past I feared haunted me. Everything I had ever trusted in, seemed to be broken. Turns out she had an affair with a student, and got charged with 9 felonies. I remember the news talked about it for days, but no one knew the story better then I did. She has been out of my life for about 2 years now, but I still love her. There's a huge part of me that still thinks about her everyday, and I have many questions I need to be answered.

I wish I could see her, and tell her how much pain she caused me, and everyone involved. I still to this day have trouble trusting adults, because believe me when you give someone everything you've got including your trust, your going to have nothing in the end. The worst part about it is, I only want the best for her. Even after all these years of trials and pain, I want her to know to me she's still an innocent.

"It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent" -innocent by taylor swift

Awake and In love

There comes a moment in your life when God steps in. You completely forget about all the dumb stuff, the pain, and you just let go and love. Jesus provides so much more then you think it is incredibly easy to go through life and forget that Jesus is doing the behind the scenes work. I know that when we are on our knees, asking God “Why?” He is there, to hold us and to give us hope, something we seem to lack a lot. I am completely and madly in love with Jesus, and although at times I stray and lose faith, I always seem to fall harder for him every time. I am wide awake, and amazed at Jesus’s love, and I couldn’t hold it in. I hope this inspires someone to know that at the end of the day there is always love, His love. Don't ever forget that Love truly does conqor all, and thats our job on this earth...to love! Until next time...

The saddest silence

"Grief is like the ocean, deep, dark, and bigger then any of us. Pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. unfair."

I have been holding this in for awhile, maybe too long. I lost a friend this year, and although its been hard, the hardest part is seeing how short life is, and how in an instant its all gone. I remember the call, the sound of the voice that told me "He's dead. Allie He's gone." The breath I seemed to so easily breath, suddenly became scarce, and I soon found my self breathless. The world, came to a sudden stop, at least mine did. I ran down the stairs and into my mothers room, and found an embrace in her arms. I screamed, I cried, I lost it. My mother so simply asked, "What's wrong?" I told her I had lost a friend. She advised me to call a friend, and when I did my world once again forever changed. Having to tell my friend, that his best friend committed suicide on his 18th birthday was the hardest thing I have ever done. I have never experienced so many emotions in one night. I never imagined that someone so loved, could do such a thing. Walking into a school full of people who didn't know and who didn't care, my best friend and I faced it together. The table was silent, tears flowing down our faces, hand in hand, we did it together. Homecoming weekend, was supposed the be the weekend of my life, however going to a funeral for my dead 17 year old friend was not what i had in mind. Walking up to the casket, with my best friend, looking at death in the face, will forever replay in my head. Sitting down listening to my best friends brother say "I'm his best friend. You should never have to speak at your best friends funeral, " will forever haunt me. Saying goodbye to someone we all loved, was hard. Listening to his best friends cry fhearing how broken the world around him was, and most importantly wrapping or hours, my brain around the thought that such a short life ended, all because of pain. This lesson is one I never wanted to have to learn. Losing someone is hard, when they take their own life its even harder. Every 18 minutes, someone loses their life to suicide.

ah, life lessons

Well, I'm beginning to think that my life is becoming one big book of life lessons. It seems like a year ago everything I ever knew, as now changed. Some might say that is bad, but i'm starting to see that its sort of a blessing. I think its incredibly ironic how everything you once believed in, you will spend hours and hours questioning. Since school has started I have had the world in my hands and nothing could go wrong, I though maybe all the bad in the world, decided it didn't want me. However, life had a way of waking me up from my fantasy, and let me tell you it brought me from up in the clouds to down on my knees. When you go through trauma, you begin to rethink everything in your life, you put up walls whether you like it or not. In the past three months, I have lost a friend to suicide, helped another one from suicide, and seen how people can truly break your heart and destroy your trust. Although, life has been rather stormy I have learned that your only has strong as the pain you're put through. When you feel like you can't bare any more pain, and you feel like the whole world has lost its way, you just got to stand tall because the world would kill to see you fall. The beauty about life is that you are 100% out of control, and your just along for the ride. Amazing as it is, i'm starting to see that pain is just a part of life we need to feel real, and that joy is the only reason we could go through it all in an instant. Life has a funny way of trying to teach you things, and after the past couple of months I can be the first to tell you that if you want the rainbow you got to put up with the rain. So, I guess what i'm really trying to say is, remember what really matters, let go of the hate, and learn that life is all about learning...

Back to blogging ....

Well, its been a long time since I have posted a blog. My life seems like a complete 360 since the last time I posted. So, I suppose I have some much needed updating to do. First off, I want to explain why I have been a-wall for the past months. Writing has always been a huge part of me, and I just sort of gave up , threw in my towel. I always put up these walls, and when things start to get good I quit. I wish I knew why, i wish i had the self determination to just embrace the gifts God has blessed me with. Now that i have realized this flaw, I am going to try my best and pick up the pen again and start writing or i guess in my case hit the keys on the keyboard.

Ah, now for the fun part updating you all on my crazy life now a-days. Lets see, I guess I should start with the beginning, attending a new school. Walking into a school with 2000 kids, about 10 of which i knew was the scariest experience of my life. I remember walking out to the car to my loving mother and wanting nothing more then to get in the car and just breath. I thought it would take me months to make friends and it would be really hard to fit in, but because God is so amazing I seemed to fit in as if I had been there my whole life. I can not describe how it feels walking in there now, its as if i'm right where im supposed to be. I have amazing friends and my house always seems to be filled with teenagers im finally living the teenage dream. Although, the social part of school as been such a blessings there has been many ups and downs. The academics have been s struggle to keep up since its a whole new learning system, but I know what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. It's amazing to me how full and beautiful my life has become. God has put many trials on my path this year, some of which I have come out closer to him, others I have made mistakes on. Being the new girl everyone wants a part of, some for the wrong reasons can be hard and leave you with many tears. Luckily I have many many more smiles then laughter this year. Now that I am growing up, im starting to miss the days when pain was always solved by a band aid. pain is seeming more inevitable then ever. And once you get to the good moment believe me you start to see the magic God sprinkled on the world. You just gotta climb that mountain and keep your head up. Hopefully I will update weekly if not daily, glad to be back. Hope all is well. Love always Allie..

Be yourself and follow your heart

Life is all about taking risk and learning to let go of the pain and embrace whatever comes your way. I have never been one to get a slump and stay in one, but something came over me this year and I became someone I didn't recognize. I think everyone will go through a time of struggle and doubt but the person you come out as in the end is the person you will be. There is so many things to distract us from who we are supposed to be, and I am telling you from experience you have to be yourself, even if you don't know who you are yet just follow your heart and take chances. I am so content with where my heart is and how happy I am. Remember it can't rain forever, there will always be a rainbow.