The saddest silence

"Grief is like the ocean, deep, dark, and bigger then any of us. Pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. unfair."

I have been holding this in for awhile, maybe too long. I lost a friend this year, and although its been hard, the hardest part is seeing how short life is, and how in an instant its all gone. I remember the call, the sound of the voice that told me "He's dead. Allie He's gone." The breath I seemed to so easily breath, suddenly became scarce, and I soon found my self breathless. The world, came to a sudden stop, at least mine did. I ran down the stairs and into my mothers room, and found an embrace in her arms. I screamed, I cried, I lost it. My mother so simply asked, "What's wrong?" I told her I had lost a friend. She advised me to call a friend, and when I did my world once again forever changed. Having to tell my friend, that his best friend committed suicide on his 18th birthday was the hardest thing I have ever done. I have never experienced so many emotions in one night. I never imagined that someone so loved, could do such a thing. Walking into a school full of people who didn't know and who didn't care, my best friend and I faced it together. The table was silent, tears flowing down our faces, hand in hand, we did it together. Homecoming weekend, was supposed the be the weekend of my life, however going to a funeral for my dead 17 year old friend was not what i had in mind. Walking up to the casket, with my best friend, looking at death in the face, will forever replay in my head. Sitting down listening to my best friends brother say "I'm his best friend. You should never have to speak at your best friends funeral, " will forever haunt me. Saying goodbye to someone we all loved, was hard. Listening to his best friends cry fhearing how broken the world around him was, and most importantly wrapping or hours, my brain around the thought that such a short life ended, all because of pain. This lesson is one I never wanted to have to learn. Losing someone is hard, when they take their own life its even harder. Every 18 minutes, someone loses their life to suicide.

ah, life lessons

Well, I'm beginning to think that my life is becoming one big book of life lessons. It seems like a year ago everything I ever knew, as now changed. Some might say that is bad, but i'm starting to see that its sort of a blessing. I think its incredibly ironic how everything you once believed in, you will spend hours and hours questioning. Since school has started I have had the world in my hands and nothing could go wrong, I though maybe all the bad in the world, decided it didn't want me. However, life had a way of waking me up from my fantasy, and let me tell you it brought me from up in the clouds to down on my knees. When you go through trauma, you begin to rethink everything in your life, you put up walls whether you like it or not. In the past three months, I have lost a friend to suicide, helped another one from suicide, and seen how people can truly break your heart and destroy your trust. Although, life has been rather stormy I have learned that your only has strong as the pain you're put through. When you feel like you can't bare any more pain, and you feel like the whole world has lost its way, you just got to stand tall because the world would kill to see you fall. The beauty about life is that you are 100% out of control, and your just along for the ride. Amazing as it is, i'm starting to see that pain is just a part of life we need to feel real, and that joy is the only reason we could go through it all in an instant. Life has a funny way of trying to teach you things, and after the past couple of months I can be the first to tell you that if you want the rainbow you got to put up with the rain. So, I guess what i'm really trying to say is, remember what really matters, let go of the hate, and learn that life is all about learning...

Back to blogging ....

Well, its been a long time since I have posted a blog. My life seems like a complete 360 since the last time I posted. So, I suppose I have some much needed updating to do. First off, I want to explain why I have been a-wall for the past months. Writing has always been a huge part of me, and I just sort of gave up , threw in my towel. I always put up these walls, and when things start to get good I quit. I wish I knew why, i wish i had the self determination to just embrace the gifts God has blessed me with. Now that i have realized this flaw, I am going to try my best and pick up the pen again and start writing or i guess in my case hit the keys on the keyboard.

Ah, now for the fun part updating you all on my crazy life now a-days. Lets see, I guess I should start with the beginning, attending a new school. Walking into a school with 2000 kids, about 10 of which i knew was the scariest experience of my life. I remember walking out to the car to my loving mother and wanting nothing more then to get in the car and just breath. I thought it would take me months to make friends and it would be really hard to fit in, but because God is so amazing I seemed to fit in as if I had been there my whole life. I can not describe how it feels walking in there now, its as if i'm right where im supposed to be. I have amazing friends and my house always seems to be filled with teenagers im finally living the teenage dream. Although, the social part of school as been such a blessings there has been many ups and downs. The academics have been s struggle to keep up since its a whole new learning system, but I know what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. It's amazing to me how full and beautiful my life has become. God has put many trials on my path this year, some of which I have come out closer to him, others I have made mistakes on. Being the new girl everyone wants a part of, some for the wrong reasons can be hard and leave you with many tears. Luckily I have many many more smiles then laughter this year. Now that I am growing up, im starting to miss the days when pain was always solved by a band aid. pain is seeming more inevitable then ever. And once you get to the good moment believe me you start to see the magic God sprinkled on the world. You just gotta climb that mountain and keep your head up. Hopefully I will update weekly if not daily, glad to be back. Hope all is well. Love always Allie..

Be yourself and follow your heart

Life is all about taking risk and learning to let go of the pain and embrace whatever comes your way. I have never been one to get a slump and stay in one, but something came over me this year and I became someone I didn't recognize. I think everyone will go through a time of struggle and doubt but the person you come out as in the end is the person you will be. There is so many things to distract us from who we are supposed to be, and I am telling you from experience you have to be yourself, even if you don't know who you are yet just follow your heart and take chances. I am so content with where my heart is and how happy I am. Remember it can't rain forever, there will always be a rainbow.

Letting go...

“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.”

Sometimes in life we have to learn to let go of things that are out of our control. This has been a lesson that I have had to learn the hard way. I am at the end of my first year of high school, and there are a lot of things I am ready to let go of, and start over. I feel like so much of my life, I have been forcing things to work, forcing myself to make what I had the best, but sometimes things just aren't meant to be what you want them to be. Once you really see that you have made things work, you will have so much more happiness for the things that are simply perfect. This is one of those lessons that is bittersweet, its hard to let go of things you love, but in the end you will find the things you don't have to chase are so much more fulfilling. Now for more happier things, SPRING IS FINALLY HERE, and it never felt better. I am so happy the sun is shining (in between the thunderstorms)! I have gotten a chance to spend time with family and even get in a little photography in! My life is happy right now, and peaceful. I hope you all will see, that letting go will make you stronger. Have a great week!

Until next time,

Allie

Stop and smell the roses

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

It seems as though in this day and time, we are all going so quickly, we never stop to enjoy all the beauty God gave us. Spring is coming, one of the most beautiful seasons, and I only pray I will stop and literately smell the roses. My life has been a bit complicated recently but I decided just to enjoy all of what God has in store for me. I am almost finished with my first year of high school, which is really scary yet very relieving. Although I don't know which direction my life is going, I know that its going to be a great one. I am at that point in my life, that everyone hates, that point when your trying to discover who you are and what you want in life. Let me tell you its not easy! So many decisions can stress you out, and stress we all know drags the happiness out of everything! Whats a girl to do in this stage of life? learn to let it roll of your back and just be happy, yes I know that sounds very cliche and cheesy but I will be the first to tell you its extremely refreshing. I encourage you all to stop and smell the roses whatever stage of life you are in, and just be happy.

The journey

Welcome, this blog is about the journey of a high school girl, who is not quite sure who she is yet......
My high school journey as just begun, and I already feel ready to spread my wings and move on. I have been told many times that I am an old soul, which most likely has something to do with not having a lot of patience for the stage I am in now. Although there are many times I wish I was not in high school, I am loving that everyday I learn more about the world and myself. I hope this blog helps my journey on self discovery and inspiring faith. I hope to be on of those people you hear about that has a remarkable story to tell, and lives life to the core. I wish to be a great person, a happy person, the kind of person you read quotes from that inspire you to change the world. I pray that I will find the girl, I wish to be. I only hope that through this blog you will see what beautiful melodies play through out the journey of our lives and you just have to listen.
Love forever,
Allie